Why does it seem that anytime I’m having a rough time with things, that’s when I decide to write? Is it because that’s when I’m truly honest with myself? Is it because I’m more open, more vulnerable? My heart has been aching for a long time now. My chest is tight, my heart is in palpitations. My eyes have been burning with un-shed tears. My whole body has been thrumming. Be it electricity, or anxiety I have no idea. I’m happy one minute, deliriously sad the next. I have upped my meds on doctors order, but maybe I need a higher dose?
Not to sure if it’s the stress that I’ve been living with due to work. I’m so grateful I have a new job. I’m hoping that that was the cause. But even Jeff said he’s noticed I’m not truly happy. Why is that? What do I need to change?
It’s starting to really worry me. I can deal with the anxiety for small periods of time. But this seems so intense. It’s hard to breathe. For the most part, I do try and ignore it. Obviously, that’s not the healthiest way to deal with shit. I’m starting to wonder if I need to talk to a therapist again. I really wish I could have my old one back. I hate having to go through the entire spiel over and over again.
I just don’t think anyone ever truly understand the pain I go through. It’s not physical pain. But, my heart … it does hurt. My body thrums with an energy that I can’t even begin to describe. It twitches. It vibrates. All unseen, but still just underneath the surface the pain is there. I put on a brave face, but inside I’m panicking. I ignore the fire burning inside me, for I might just go mad otherwise. There have been instances where I have a mini meltdown and then ten minutes later I’m able to laugh as if nothing happened.
I fear insanity is setting in …