Why does it seem that anytime I’m having a rough time with things, that’s when I decide to write? Is it because that’s when I’m truly honest with myself? Is it because I’m more open, more vulnerable? My heart has been aching for a long time now. My chest is tight, my heart is in palpitations. My eyes have been burning with un-shed tears. My whole body has been thrumming. Be it electricity, or anxiety I have no idea. I’m happy one minute, deliriously sad the next. I have upped my meds on doctors order, but maybe I need a higher dose?

Not to sure if it’s the stress that I’ve been living with due to work. I’m so grateful I have a new job. I’m hoping that that was the cause. But even Jeff said he’s noticed I’m not truly happy. Why is that? What do I need to change?

It’s starting to really worry me. I can deal with the anxiety for small periods of time. But this seems so intense. It’s hard to breathe. For the most part, I do try and ignore it. Obviously, that’s not the healthiest way to deal with shit. I’m starting to wonder if I need to talk to a therapist again. I really wish I could have my old one back. I hate having to go through the entire spiel over and over again.

I just don’t think anyone ever truly understand the pain I go through. It’s not physical pain. But, my heart … it does hurt. My body thrums with an energy that I can’t even begin to describe. It twitches. It vibrates. All unseen, but still just underneath the surface the pain is there. I put on a brave face, but inside I’m panicking. I ignore the fire burning inside me, for I might just go mad otherwise. There have been instances where I have a mini meltdown and then ten minutes later I’m able to laugh as if nothing happened.

I fear insanity is setting in …

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Down

2643-man-depressed-hoodieI think of myself as a writer. However, any time I try to write just how my depression feels to me, I falter. Any words that I come up with seem lacking. They don’t quite capture the pain I feel. Others around me tell me ‘it’s not that bad’, ‘buck up!’ and ‘get over it!’ It’s not that easy. Clinical depression eats away at you. The voice in the back of your consciousness tells you you’re no good, you can’t do anything. You are a failure. It can come on suddenly and it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Those closest to me just don’t understand how much it literally hurts. Anybody who sees me cry things ‘drama-queen’ but I just can’t help it. I try to take in deep breaths, try to calm my breathing, and all I can do is sob harder. Then I think about all the horrible mistakes I’ve made and it just seems even more hopeless.

Why bother trying if it just goes to shit all the time?

 

 

 

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Healing

I’ve always thought of myself as a healer, in some way. People always seem comfortable telling me their problems and life stories. Sometimes even when I don’t want to hear them. A lot of strangers do this, and it makes me uncomfortable. 

There are other ways to be a healer, I know. Herbs and medicine, therapeutic massage, even psychology can be used to heal. Not to sure where my path is going to take me, but I’m wondering if it’s gearing me up for spiritual healing, akin to shamanic work. 

Just a thought. 

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New Altar Setup!

Loki.statue Loki.Altar

This is my new altar set up, different than before. I do have to admit that I had to clean off the table of all my items. I’d been using it as a ‘let’s just set this here for now’ for two or three months. I definitely need to clean up my room. There are books everywhere. I have zero room. I honestly have no idea where to put them!

Anyway, I like how this looks. I need to make an offering bowl. I don’t like the idea of using just a small dinner plate. It’s too mundane. It will do for now, though. I found the statue and the raven at Panfest and I’m so glad I snatched them up! They look perfect together! The feather is from a new age store, and I find it fitting since it reminds me of fire, and soaring through the sky. I’d like to try and draw a fiery crow. That’d be interesting! And the candle … I keep thinking I should switch it out with a gawdy, glittery purple candle. Hey, it’s His altar!

Hail Loki!

 

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Loki

I’ve been thinking a lot about my experiences that I’ve had so far with Loki. I’ve been proudly telling certain people that I now have a connection with him, and want our relationship to grow. These people I am rather close too, so appreciate their input (even if it does get my back up a bit), tell me to Beware! I am definitely taking my time. For the most part, I’m testing the waters. I know without a doubt He has called me to worship him. I feel unfit to, but I’m working on it. I’m researching and reading up on other Lokean blogs. Each person has their own way, which is awesome. I just need to settle down on the way for me.

My dear readers, I just want to state: Yes, I understand what Loki is about. I understand he’s of the Dark, and he’s the Lie-Smith. I get it. I truly do. However, since I’ve made a huge conscious effort to not lie to myself, to always speak the truth, to not beat around the bush … things have been super amazing for me; I do believe that is when He started to appear. Now, my life is now much simpler. Less complicated. It’s fulfilling. I’m so happy. I haven’t been this happy, ever. Things have been opening up to me, consciously, mentally, and even magically. I can feel him near. I can sense His presence. It’s soothing, even if it is a little nerve-wracking at times.

I know that I am His and that I need to worship him. Anybody who has been called by their God, knows what I’m talking about. Yes, I have a choice to politely say no. But, for those that know me, I’ve always danced on the macabre side of life. I enjoy the darker things. I’m not all Light. I was called by Him during Panfest. I’m thinking of keeping what happened private. Those that do know, please keep it to yourself. (I’m sure you will, I just need to state it for my own piece of mind.) I feel a kinship with him, and I’ve been waiting for a long time to connect with a deity. The only thing I ask is to not lecture me about what he’s truly like. I know this. He’s told me Himself!

Lately, though, I feel like a failure. I want to worship him. However, what with having to wake up at four thirty am, going to work, being so exhausted upon coming home so that I barely say hi to Jeff and trod up to bed, only to sleep four or so hours, getting up for foodage, staying up for a few more hours and then passing out again … I have no time. I feel like such a bad Pagan. However, since I’ve been reading up and blogging about Him, I think He’s satisfied. I’m really sorry if He isn’t. I just have little energy lately.

I wanted to write more, but all the thoughts dissipated. I should go to bed.

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Panfest

Four days, three nights of utter abandon, fun, chaos, festivities, and nudity.

And everything else that a pagan festival brings. Drumming, dancing, singing, shouting, worshiping. You name it. We did it.

I am still boggled at all the new things I’ve learned, all the experiences that happened, and missing all my new friends I made. With there being only 100 (or was it 150?) people there, there was enough people to make it seem like a huge event, yet small enough to still be intimate. It was amazing! The people were extremely welcoming, friendly, and everybody enjoyed each other’s company. We all looked out for one another, even if we didn’t know one another. (I’d also like to thank whoever it was that rose to the occasion and helped me free my person of my shirt!)

The Women’s Mysteries ritual was intense. I was not as apprehensive being sky-clad as I thought I would be. In fact, I am really glad I forced myself to go. The entire weekend is something I’m still trying to process. I can see myself writing about this for quite some time.

I did bugger off for nearly an hour. I needed desperately to ground myself on Sunday morning. So, with a mug filled with Spice Tea in hand, I went to the Chapel. I had happened upon it with a close friend the day before. It’s on a ‘nature trail’, at the top of a small hill. There’s an actual stone alter, with benches in front of it. It’s really pretty, with the trail continuing on across the clearing. The space at once filled me with serenity. I wasn’t even worried about wild life attacking me. (For someone that loves the woods, I always conjure up horrific images of bears, wolves and coyotes wanting to eat me.) I did a grounding exercise that I had learned in a workshop. It really helped center me. I had been having mild anxiety attacks throughout Saturday, and due to the high amount on energy the entire camp had, ended up waking up to what they call an ‘energy hang over.’ Until someone uttered that phrase and explained what it meant, I had wondered why I had been feeling like utter crap. With the centering and grounding, I was able to fully relax. Listening to nature, I prayed to Loki. I felt much better after coming back from that little excursion.

There was drumming everywhere. And fire pits galore. Loki was with me constantly. It was amazing. The Shamanic journey I took was incredible. I’m not too sure I’ll share that just yet, if ever. It was incredibly moving and highly surprising. In fact, I almost bought a drum at the last minute. I decided to wait, since the painting of the green lizard and the red sun didn’t resonate with me. I want it to mean something. I don’t want to buy a drum just to buy a drum.

However, what I DID buy? Is my pride and joy. I have been looking for a Loki statue for almost a year, and now I finally have one. He is brilliant, and awesome. The people that sold it to me are fantastic! I’m so glad I got to chat with them. I also bought a raven. To a lot of people, ravens are associated with Odin. I associate them with Loki, too. Though someone told me that magpies are more Loki. I will have to meditate on that.

It is now time for bed. There is so much to talk about. I didn’t get to chat with everybody that I wanted to at the festival. Everybody was great! Everybody was amazing! I can not wait for next year.

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How To Worship

How does one worship? With arms in the sky, head thrown back? Quietly sitting in a darkened room, illuminated only by soft candlelight? By meditating? By singing, dancing, drumming, strumming, fucking? 

How does one worship? In a group where there are fabulous props? Or in solitude with nothing at all? By laughing, crying, whispering, screaming? How does one worship!

How does one worship? To all the Gods, or none? By walking, sleeping, crafting, or sitting? I ask you, how does one worship? 

How does one worship!

Hug a tree, play a drum, sit in silence, divination, 

say a prayer, dance around, invoke deity, send a well-wish,

light a candle, chant out loud, cast a spell, create a picture.

I do all of these, and more. 

I worship any way that moves me. You?

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